A helpful guide to the apocalypse…

Note: I originally posted this somewhere else, but I thought it was cute, so I’m reposting it here.

With so many ways to die out, it’s a wonder our species can get out bed in the morning. Yet, despite all odds, the sun rises each day, and the planet continues in its natural course. How long can this go on?

While there are unlimited scenarios for complete annihilation of the species, here are the top 50, ranked in order of likeliness to happen. This list will be adjusted as circumstances warrant.

  1. Robot uprising
  2. Nuclear war started by self-aware computers
  3. Nuclear war started by unaware humans
  4. Global warming
  5. Another ice age
  6. Mother Nature’s revenge
  7. Overpopulation
  8. Soylent green is people!
  9. We’re no longer able to have babies
  10. Stupid people breeding exponentially more than smart people
  11. All the men die out (hey, maybe that one wouldn’t be so bad)
  12. The Mayan calendar said so
  13. Economic downturn
  14. Genetically engineered superflu
  15. Swine flu
  16. Bird flu
  17. Some other disease, possibly alien in origin
  18. Aliens themselves, blowing the shit out of us
  19. Some vaguely understood alien-government conspiracy involving pod people
  20. The terrorists win
  21. Meteor strike
  22. Comet passes by real close
  23. The sun blows up and/or goes out
  24. Super-volcanoes
  25. Zombies
  26. Vampire-zombies
  27. Peak oil
  28. Y2K
  29. Twitter
  30. Mass suicidal impulse
  31. The series finale of Lost erases all will to go on living
  32. Everybody gets really fat
  33. We run out of food
  34. We run out of water
  35. The antichrist returns and hell reigns on earth
  36. A big-ass flood
  37. A big-ass fire
  38. Some other awful thing dreamed up by a vengeful, pissed-off god
  39. Ancient monsters rise up from deep inside the earth to devour us all
  40. Ancient monsters come from another dimension to devour us all
  41. Rip in the space-time continuum
  42. Singularity appears deep inside the earth
  43. Large Hadron Collider
  44. Someone invents time travel and whoops! they changed the future
  45. Some other scientific experiment goes horribly awry
  46. Mad scientist thinks he’s doing us a favor
  47. Apes get really smart and really mad
  48. Man-eating plants
  49. Everyone goes blind at the same time!
  50. It was all a dream.

2 responses to “A helpful guide to the apocalypse…”

  1. […] A Helpful Guide to the Apocalypse – or all the many ways we can go out, with a bang OR a whimper. […]

  2. […] A Helpful Guide to the Apocalypse – or all the many ways we can go out, with a bang OR a whimper. […]

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